Some people believe at their very core that they are not worthy of happiness which is why they will do everything to destroy it even when it's well within their reach. Most run, avoid, escape happiness from the very start but there are a few who will chase it, nail it down and then ensure they become the reason behind it's complete and total annihilation. It's seen a lot in patients seeking therapy. They report relationships breaking repeatedly, unaware of their pattern and if aware, unable to change it.
Am I one of them?
I know there have been things that have haunted me from the very start of life. Try as you may, not everything can be erased - not memories and definitely not nightmares. Just when you think you've outrun your demons, new ones are formed, much worse than the ones you had learnt to fight against. You're one of them now, and nothing pains me more. You, the one who would have me breaking into a smile on my worst day is now a reservoir of misery. You are the one whom I can't hate or love.
Were you ever you then or are you ever you now?
I can't, don't, won't reach out to you. There's a lot I want to say but that's a door I've had to close for myself. I thought we could talk, acknowledge, validate and maybe find some peace in the abrupt closure that was thrust on us. But then I recall, it wasn't thrust at all. You chose it. You continue to choose it everyday. Your rigidity over our sanity. Your demons over our truth. You over us, always. Maybe it was a long time coming.
Are you too tired of fighting? Is there absolutely no fight left in you?
The pain of the matter is I know you. Really know you. That is perhaps why I can't hate you. But I can remain angry and I am. An apology email doesn't cut it anymore. I'm sorry for a lot but not this. I ache on days like today when I see all the happy memories of us (and boy there are so many) and realize they weren't enough, that nothing was enough for you. Or me. Or us. And I realize that I'm fucked because if that wasn't - if that wasn't it - nothing ever can be.
Can it?
The saddest thing of all is that you will never believe what you meant to me. You were redemption - God's way of making up for all the shit in my life. My smile, my joy, my happiness. My faith in goodness. My reason to be better. The one who could inspire me and support me and drive me like none other. The one who knew me better than myself. The one who made me believe in "the one". My everything. My thunder.
Until you weren't.
Am I one of them?
I know there have been things that have haunted me from the very start of life. Try as you may, not everything can be erased - not memories and definitely not nightmares. Just when you think you've outrun your demons, new ones are formed, much worse than the ones you had learnt to fight against. You're one of them now, and nothing pains me more. You, the one who would have me breaking into a smile on my worst day is now a reservoir of misery. You are the one whom I can't hate or love.
Were you ever you then or are you ever you now?
I can't, don't, won't reach out to you. There's a lot I want to say but that's a door I've had to close for myself. I thought we could talk, acknowledge, validate and maybe find some peace in the abrupt closure that was thrust on us. But then I recall, it wasn't thrust at all. You chose it. You continue to choose it everyday. Your rigidity over our sanity. Your demons over our truth. You over us, always. Maybe it was a long time coming.
Are you too tired of fighting? Is there absolutely no fight left in you?
The pain of the matter is I know you. Really know you. That is perhaps why I can't hate you. But I can remain angry and I am. An apology email doesn't cut it anymore. I'm sorry for a lot but not this. I ache on days like today when I see all the happy memories of us (and boy there are so many) and realize they weren't enough, that nothing was enough for you. Or me. Or us. And I realize that I'm fucked because if that wasn't - if that wasn't it - nothing ever can be.
Can it?
The saddest thing of all is that you will never believe what you meant to me. You were redemption - God's way of making up for all the shit in my life. My smile, my joy, my happiness. My faith in goodness. My reason to be better. The one who could inspire me and support me and drive me like none other. The one who knew me better than myself. The one who made me believe in "the one". My everything. My thunder.
Until you weren't.
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