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Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Live on, Thunder.

This is harder than I thought. Closing the door on you, on us. I may be an expert at goodbyes by now but that doesn't make me any better at them. To watch all my plans come to an end and shatter in front of my eyes takes the life out of me for sure. I have trained myself well so now the tears don't flow as easy and the urge to see you and weep in your arms so it will all fix itself is withering. I think once you survive by yourself long enough, you realize you don't need anybody else's help in doing it. I have been broken so many times before that now putting myself together takes relatively less time.

Inevitably, the people I trust with all my heart, misuse this faith that I placed in them. I gave you the power to hurt me and guess what? You did. I let myself be vulnerable thinking that there was no way in hell that you would let anything harm me, little knowing that you would transform into someone who did it all by himself.

Jee ve sohaneya jee, chahe kisi ka hoke jee

Like all my past lovers, I wish you well. I end up wishing everyone well. When you love someone like I loved you, there's no bitterness at the end of it all. there's just a void - a you shaped hole in my heart, where you used to be.

There's a place in my life, that I carved out just for you that I don't know what to do with. I imagined a future only with you in it so I think that is something that will take time. The worst bit is that we really tried, didn't we? I can't even blame you because I know this relationship was difficult for you. I was difficult for you. You should have run for the hills when I asked you for Annabelle you know? I mean what good could come off a girl like me? I introduced you to the horrible side of this world and broke all your belief systems. I broke you.

But for once I know I didn't break us. Maybe you didn't either. I guess it probably was always going to break but I fooled myself into thinking that it won't. That you were my Aditya. That you were God's answer for all the times I had asked, "Why me?" I thought you were going to stick, I thought we were going to be what legends are made of. I forgot that the last time I felt this way, the legend became the legendary storm that destroyed me. But he did leave a lesson in its wake. So no, I won't be destroyed this time.


I'm done with love. I don't want to experience it anymore. Love is pain and pain, as you said, demands to be felt. Well, I don't want to feel it. I've had a tough life and I demand happiness. I can't make you incharge of it - I've got to be the bearer of my own happiness. Any time that I rely on someone else for it, it bites me in the ass.


Maana ke tu ab nahi mera, kabhi tha mera bhi

Just a day earlier I had said to a room full of marriage counsellors how despite my experiences at the family court, I was rooting for love. You killed the love within me baby. Many people have walked over and abused the little girl inside me, but you pulled the final trigger. You killed the idea of a happily ever after from my story.

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