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Friday, November 20, 2015

You wrecked me.

It's funny, whenever I come here I write about the love that was. It's become a museum of unsolicited love. My personal museum of pain. I guess I am not eloquent with happiness. It doesn't become me, or my words. Or maybe I am a masochist deep down.

Hey, you.
I have let you in my thoughts, tonight. Maybe for the night, maybe my brain will be the harbour for our sailed ship a little longer, I don't know. It's funny how all things broken always have you in them. Broken glass frames, broken souls, even heart-broken songs. And this brokenness is my sanctuary. I choose this sanctuary, tonight.

Now that we have a premise, how the fuck are you? It's been a while and I don't think I will ever really know how you are doing. Doesn't mean I don't wonder. Doesn't mean I don't still talk to you in my head or imagine what you would say. I have good imagination but all I imagine from my end is... Silence. All the music and lyrics in this world are already doing a pretty neat job of expressing what I would say. I guess me talking is hence moot. Besides I have run out of words. Since well, my words did drive you away.

I was taught to persevere, not give up. "You're not a quitter" Dad would say. So I thought it applied to love as well. But, not quitting on you? I taught myself. I taught myself to keep dialing those digits in my head when I could no longer pick up an actual phone to do it. I taught myself to chase faint memories when we stopped making new ones. I even taught myself to hold on to your fading voice. But I couldn't teach myself to not want you.

Don't get me wrong darling, I don't want want you. I just... want to know that holding on was not a mistake. I want to tell the daughter that I don't intend to have, to never give up on someone she once loved. No matter how un-redeemable the lover's actions, not even if the whole wide world gives up on them.. I want to tell her to hold on tight because that's when they need you most.

But you... You don't need me at all. You're well and prospering and even though I wish you well I think there's no way to come back from the poison that has seeped in. However, I don't forget. We were almost good for a while; almost had ourselves convinced we were infallible legends. But legends have a way of existing only in fables and tales. We exist only in my thoughts. And words.

 My words will always keep you alive, darling. It may kill my writing but I will continue this library of all things broken, for you... for us. A writer owes her muse that much atleast. You, darling are my pen's favourite muse. Always have been. Hemingway once said, "There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and bleed." You provide an endless supply of that blood I need to shed. No matter how many days pass, it is still as fresh a wound. I guess wounds on the heart never do heal. Maybe it's just me. Annoying cardiac tissue, mine.

Annoying playlist too that I keep making for myself, of all the songs that I would have sent to you.

"Mujhe lagta hai ki baatein dil ki
Hoti lafzon ki dhokebaazi..."

I will always find you here, you know. This is increasingly becoming a shrine to you. Despite not wanting your love, your thoughts will return I know. I have accepted that, just like I always accepted you, all of your rage and madness. But you know the one thing that has changed?

I will never say those words to my non-existent daughter anymore. You, darling lover, wrecked me. 


  1. I kinda hope I am able to give you some kind of perspective! Just reading a great! book call "you just dont understand" which lays bare the fundamental difference in the ways men and women see the world - and NO it is not logic and emotion as I used to think. The main difference is connection vs status. Men CRAVE status - am I above or below you. See Kejriwal calling Modi coward? That is his status hunger coming in. How dare Modi be bigger than me? Women CRAVE connection - a sense of being close to the other. Men misinterpret need for connection as you being needy and dependent and therefore of lower status than them. For men in every interaction: Up or Down? (in status) for women: Coming closer or moving away. Great book. Highly recommended!

  2. I dont know if this is legal, but ...

  3. Hit the like button on Woman's era on facebook. The HUNDREDS of love failures you will read about will help remove your sense of isolation.