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Monday, January 20, 2014

Friends, Lovers or NOTHING.

Dearest Ex,
The journey's complete. It had been for a while now in reality but my subconscious cemented it today too. There'll never be an inbetween - that much was certain but unacceptable to me. However now in no state of mine is there any room for you in the capacity that there used to be. 

It took so long that it's almost unbelievable.. I don't even know how to react. I guess I've gotten used to your memory but I realized how that memory has gotten so faint over time and that voice has dissolved into nothing - so much so that it is now a mere amalgamation of so many others - an attempt to recreate something which I can't even remember. It used to be crystal clear in my head and now ? Nothing.


Last night I was with someone I love. He loves me back. We were driving all over town. I was being picked from some sort of station, I can't recall which. We bumped into each other in the train and somehow couldn't help but look. At what the past was like.. At how much we'd changed.. At the lack of electricity in the air despite us being in the same compartment. Or atleast that was my version of it. 

We got to where we wanted and you didn't have a ride back. My boy wasn't interested in doing you any favours and even though you and I hadn't so much as exchanged a word, I couldn't help but worry. The driver dragged me away but I made them come back. It had started to snow and rain all at once and everyone in the car was giving me hell but I came back for you. I saw you walking with some random chic, drenched to the bone and I got down and ran to you. I don't know what it was - impulse or instinct and before I knew it I'd taken my coat off and put it on your back and was leading you to a place with some sort of cover. 


You: "You came back ? I knew you would."
Me: "Yeah well now change. You'll catch a cold. I'll get you dropped."


Somehow the place changed into your hostel room and I needed a change for I was soaked as well and you were only too happy to oblige. Another room, another girl. I was so unaffected though. You kept trying to get to me and I kept being uninterested. I was watching our shadows from above and couldn't believe my disinterest. Sure I cared about you but that was like caring for a homeless person. All I wanted a roof over your head. 

You: "Why are you doing all this for me?"
Me: "Because I care."


See that's the problem with people like me. We care. About the most undeserving, insignificant people in the world. We can't watch suffering by the sidelines. We need to act.
When my boy came over to check on me, I hugged him, kissed him and you were left staring at the dust around us. You tried so hard all dream long to break us apart but I was so firm - it makes me gleam with pride in retrospect. When he left, I was on the phone with him. It irritated you enough to snatch it away and mock me and threaten me with unrealistic sermons. And still I beared with you. I put up with you to see you safe. I even called that slut from your past just to know there'd be someone to see you through the night.
Something in me still sinks. And I love you but that's love like I'd love a stray pup on the street. I don't want the pup dead but I can't bring it home either. I like to comfort him and give him the affection he so desperately craves but I can't get too close as he might bite. For he is stray. And I have a home to get to. A home he would infect and contaminate.
You're the stray in my story now. From superman to starlitlover to manslut to this. How far we've come. And how glad I am to be here.

I've finally stopped the train. I've come home again.

2 comments:

  1. I loved this.
    Especially "You're the stray in my story."
    I also love your blog's address. :D

    ReplyDelete