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Thursday, February 14, 2013

"I must be fine 'cause my heart's still beating."

Dear Rapist,

So now that my limbs are moving fine, I thought I'd write you a letter. What with all the love in the air today, I thought I'd let you know that everyone might have forgotten this incident in their rush of buying a perfect valentines present, but I never will. 

I think I have finally stopped hurting. There's only so much physical injuries can do to one. I hurt for a long time you know, well obviously you know, you're the one who inflicted all the pain - I'm sure you knew the suffering it'd cause. For days, everytime I walked or as much as moved, my body used to hate me for it. Breathing was too much of a task for every time I exhaled I could feel your breath on my skin, your weight against my body. I couldn't sleep at night, and even when a pill or two was popped in order to help me get there, I was haunted by what you did - you and your friends, were they ?

As you pulled me into that mini-van of yours, I could see it all flash in front of me - my future for as long as you would now own me. I'd once read somewhere that when rape is inevitable, you should lay back and enjoy it. But I didn't recall that until your friends were done with me; which is why you had to use those blades. I remember the searing pain from where you burnt my skin and made me regret for ever having been born a girl. I couldn't fight much for there were too many of you. Keeping me pinned down must've been a piece of cake right ? Did my screams satisfy your insatiable hunger for power ? As your friend made way for the other one, I tried to claw my way out of it. Is that what the kick was for or was that just to teach me my place in society ? I'm trying to get some answers you see.

It's kind of blurry now but I do remember the song that was playing in the background. I will never forget that tune, I think it'll stay with me till my grave. I noticed it first when one of you turned me over and tried to take me from behind, like an animal. That was my worst scream, wasn't it? Or were you too preoccupied to notice? That was when you stuffed my mouth with some cloth or well, you tried anyway. My screams didn't get any softer and you did finally have to turn me over. That must've stung right ? Me being in control even if for the most insignificant fraction of a second ?

I still remember candidly the sound my clothes made as you'd ripped them off. I remember how each of you felt inside of me with all of your manhood. I remember how it upset you for just a second that I was menstruating before you decided that didn't matter eitherway. It meant more pain for me you know so that's another score for you. But most of all I remember the smirk you had on your face all the while and something more.. was it pride ? 

You waited till the end for your turn, saving me.. savouring the moment.. enjoying every minute of the torture you put me through. Were you proud of the hell on earth you designed for me ? My silence in the end might have ruined that satisfaction right ? Because this is when that old saying did kick in. As I took you in my mouth, did you see the submission in my eyes, did you recognize it for what it was ? 

So many questions and I'm still not done. The most pressing one is, how did you even get a hard on over my corpse of a body ? I didn't move, I didn't so much as make a whimper as I swallowed every inch of you in me. Is that why you slapped me repeatedly? To get a reaction? You must have been disappointed. Score, me ?

I wish you'd been raised better. I wish your mother had taught you a thing or two about respecting women so I wouldn't have to live my life in horror and shame anymore. I wish you hadn't destroyed my diminishing faith in humanity altogether. I wish I could shake the fear that has engulfed my very being now. I wish I didn't understand my real place in this world as a girl, which amounts to absolutely nothing. I wish when you looked at me, you saw more than just a sex toy that you lust  for. I wish you knew I am a real person, with real feelings - there's more to me than just my body - a person who will never feel safe or whole again. 

Once you'd taken me and done me in whatever manner you pleased, I was yours to discard  faster than garbage. You dumped me in some field with my bare nothings and just as your friend was about to drive away, you rolled down the window and threw me a twenty. You sealed the deal, I was your whore.

The aches may have gradually disappeared but the scars remain. I'm wounded. That night lashes in bits and pieces in front of my eyes ever so often. Even as I'm sitting in a crowded room with a beer in my hand, nobody realizes as I phase out. As I watch a repeat of my nightmare with my eyes wide open. Nobody notices the difference in my laughter or the hint of a tear in my eye as I turn every corner. I don't cry on the outside anymore, for that would make you the winner in all of this but I do weep. Because in one night you might have potentially destroyed my life forever. But you know what you couldn't destroy ? My soul. 

And I know you'll remember my eyes like I remember yours. I pray to the God I don't believe in anymore that you treasure the precise moment in which you took the light from them eternally because I sure will. If we ever meet again, you might not recognize me for only my shadow walks in the hollow that is now me. But I will recognize you. Because as I said it, I remember your eyes - I've enshrined them in my memory and if I ever stumble upon them in this lifetime, I shall be the last one to look into those two horrible monsters that enable all your leching before I watch the life get knocked out of them. That, dear rapist I promise you.

Sincerely,
Your nameless victim.

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