Half-full.

Today I will myself into happiness and action. BECAUSE - the past few days and weeks have been nothing short of beautiful and perfect. And if staying sad is a disease, then I've had enough of it for a lifetime. I had reason to, but no more. Now life is pretty fucking perfect. Well, as close to it as it gets anyway. Minor speed bumps aside, of course. 

Hasna nahi yaad rehta

So let's remind you my love. Let's relive the perfection that the birthday week at phu quoc was. You lost your father and your bags, quite literally on the same time and managed both so differently. You know what that speaks to? Your ability to learn, adapt, and grow. You went to an amusement, theme, and water park -- all in the span of a week. You made new friends out of nowhere, shopped but in limits, walked your ass off every single day without giving up, ate (a lot!) but remembered to be healthy too somehow, swam, oh boy did you swim in pools, seas, and oceans! 

Kismat mein meri chain se jeena likh de

Amen to that! Here's to embracing calm over chaos. Thriving in it. Building a life that knows nothing but it and settles for nothing less. That understands the difference between fun, adrenaline, and danger. That doesn't crave self-sabotage just to win a made-up battle of worthiness and lovability. 

Hum gareebon ke din bhi sawar jayenge 

If we just make it out of our heads. If we give in to the beauty, the music, the magic that surrounds us. If we don't absorb the pain of the world quite as intensely. If we continue to decompress from time to time and remember what's ours and what's not ours to hold. We can empathise without making it our own. We can be happy even if others are struggling. We have permission. You have my permission to be happy, Shiromi.

Kabhi sun bhi toh lo humaari battiyyan 

It's time the inner guide gets more airtime than the inner critic. You can stop evaluating everything. You can rest. You can sleep my love. And more than anything, you can smile. The managers have been at work very hard, very long. We have got to create some balance for them. Achievement is NOT everything. It has been a trauma response. But you were always worthy, lovable, and ENOUGH. Let's be enough ok?

Jitne khaali the jaam, sab bhar jayenge

It's been a long ride, we can let the cape and armour down now okay? We too can lie on the beach or float on the water, carefree, without a worry in the world. It is now our life. Let that sink in. No more fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Now we can lie back, read the book he wrote for us, allow happiness to take root. It's time to bloom. 

Thank you, universe. 

Thank you Shiromi, for making it far enough for us to see this. 

Exile.

In the fog of, what is right, I have not given into what I want - for incredibly long (378 days, give or take) - and even when I did, it was nearly not what I ever wanted to say. See, that's another thing I do. I hide, and I run, and I pretend like I'm strong - long enough for it to fool you (never me). 

However, the turn of events in the recent past have left me craving your voice. It's not sentimentality - and it's definitely not longing - it's just that you were there at the inception of this dream and it's just, ironic, that you're not anymore. 

All the things that went wrong, I take responsibility for (at least in part) but this silence that we're stuck in - that's on you darling. I know why it exists - maybe it's punishment for both of us for being as reckless as we were with something as great - but it is in moments like this, I am tempted to break it, consequences be damned. 

Because it wasn't just love ever was it? You saw me - for the very first time - and just for a split second I believed in myself. I thought, I was good enough, I mattered, I would live on to inspire. And somewhere if I'm introspective, I think the silence takes that away from me - if you don't see me like that anymore - I have trouble believing in it myself even when people I adore and admire, tell me to, repeatedly. If your belief didn't last, how dare mine? Am I really that self-indulgent?

The worst thing however is that after over two years of disbelief, something big enough has happened to convert even a skeptic like myself. I want to tell you all about it, so bad. Not because you deserve any credit, even I'm not that deluded. But because I know you'll smile - you'll be happy for me to have achieved my dream. You'll be... proud? And while it shouldn't matter to me because you've not been a part of my journey for so long, I still find myself wanting to tell you.

I guess you weren't in my top 10 calls... But now I seem to have crossed my top 50, and it's daunting on me that a very important name has been omitted by me. While you strive for us to be remember each other poorly, and observe hate-norms from opposite sides of the world, I like to remember what we added to each other's lives... Or at least what you did to mine.

I'm sorry I constantly fail at hating you, because that is just not something I'm comfortable with, despite all your schemes and plans - and I think that's why I feel constant salt is added to the injury that should have healed long ago.

I have forgiven you for the end, everything that followed, and the silent hate that you exude towards me. I have moved on and started believing that I deserve love and good things in life. I find myself in love, filled with hope and success, and second-guessing myself, much lesser than before. I do find myself believing in myself (even if rarely), in him (even if constant belief is terrifying) and in love (even though that's the scariest of them all). 

I have come really close to calling you this past week but I think the only thing that's held me back is that...

I think I've seen this film before

And I didn't like the ending

You're not my homeland anymore

So what am I defending now?

You were my town, now I'm in exile, seeing you out

I think I've seen this film before

So I'll continue to follow the rules you made, that I never believed in, because I don't think either of us can now bear a reality in which the other isn't exiled. 

PS: All I wanted to say over the call was: I did it, finally! So long and thanks for all the fish :')

कोई नहीं भुल्दा यारा जींवें तू है भुल्लेया

Hey, you.

I haven't written to you lately, have I? 
Did you think I forgot about you?
Did I fool you for long enough, yet? 
Will this pain ever end?
Will the mention of your name ever stop bringing tears to my eyes?
Have we moved on?
Have you? 
Should I continue honouring our memories or delete all traces of us?
Should I hold on or let go?
How the fuck does one let go?
How will we ever find something, anything that compares? 
Do we want to?
Do you want to?
Or are we just masochists who found this love just to fuel an eternity of pain?
Are we really that broken? Or did we just break each other beyond repair?
Are we still breaking each other?
(Repeatedly and unapologetically.
over and over and over again
Rain and Thunder. 
Thunder and Rain.)

Oh, love.

"But my words become stained with your love.
You occupy everything, you occupy everything."
-Pablo Neruda

Today I'm going to write a story. A story about such powerful love that couldn't be broken. A story about the moon giving up his life for the sun to shine. A story about the sun loving another, and setting each day only to return with more heat and vigour. A story about the tangents of a perfect love.

Today I'm going to write about a love so happy it doesn't give you time to stop and reflect. A love so consuming that you give it your all - your breaths, your sighs and your life, one slow second at a time. A love so enduring that it doesn't hold you captive but liberates you and your soul.

Today I'm going to write.

I'm going to write because it needs to be written. The world could use a happy story - even if it is just a story. I need to write about a boy and a girl and a love that lasts, a love that conquers all, a love that is just plain-fucking-old love for a change. I need it, and I need you.

I need your love to begin my mornings, it's like the sunshine in my life. I need your love to get out of bed and face another day, it's like the propeller to my motions. I need your love to make it through college, it's my incentive for hardwork. I need your love as I get under covers, it's my only staircase to lalaland. 

I need this love and I need you.
Goddammit, I need you. 

Love is not equivalent to need though. It's quite inferior. I love a lot of things and people and situations and movies and artists and songs and books, you get the gist. However I do not need them. This need is obviously and undoubtedly based on love, but don't mistake it for anything ordinary for it runs so much deeper, it runs hot through my arteries and pumps blood in my body. This love, my love, our love, is beyond okay, beyond ordinary, beyond desire - it is need at it's most innate and natural form - a primary motivator. 

Today I'm going to write about a love that needs no drive or incentive, a love that knows no boundaries of age or religion, a love that surpasses eras and ages. A love that is mine. A love that is ours.

Today I'm going to create this love and share it, all of it, with just one person, you. 
Desirable, magnetic, addictive, you. 
Oh, you. 

I'm going to create it and you won't know because I'm stupendous at hiding my heart away. I'm going to build us a house and then probably live in it alone because well, I've driven you away. I'm going to write this story with one half of a broken quill and still dream of only one person reading it, you. 

I'm going to believe in it, 'til kingdom come. I'm going to give us a real shot and then let fate be the master of our destiny. I'm going to work toward the meant-to-be and then have a talk with whoever is up there, one-on-one, because this is something I really want. Really. With all my heart. And I know I don't say it often but it's the one thing that I'm sure about wanting and needing and aching for inside.

So I'm going to write about a love. A love between people who weren't soulmates. A love for people who didn't need to die to be historic. A love of legends.

And I'm going to pray to the heavens and skies that we are these legends.

Pay me some attention.

Dear Reader,

What is it with us ? The first hint of a pain and we cower and run away. Weren't we built to be resilient ? To fight ? For what is right. For what is ours. We give up too easy, yes, if I had to sum up all of mankind's problems in one sentence that would be it.
"Nobody's perfect, and everyone is to blame."

When did we stop striving for perfection ? What was the day that the word content was introduced to the human dictionary ? And when was it that it started being propagated to be happy with the little, the few, the minuscule excuse for happiness ?

Because it was that day that the downfall of evolution began. The day we stopped standing up for, believing in and fighting for what we want. Really want. Not what we settle for.
If we shoot for the stars, we should settle for nothing lesser. If you feel you're destined to become something, nothing else should cut it ever. A compromise is just that. You telling yourself since what you actually want is unattainable, it's time to settle for something lesser.

Don't just accept a husband because some lover once broke your heart. Don't accept a job because you were sexually harassed at your previous one. Don't marry into a family which demands dowry because you fear the next offer won't come.

Break free of your inhibitions. Motivate the child within you who thought they could achieve anything - the child who taught you to dream. Don't let the adult in you kill your aspirations. There is no such thing as a reality check. The only difference between your dreams and reality is the line you draw for yourself. The boundaries you cage yourself in.
Whose to say we're not all birds just waiting to discover our wings and fly ?

All you need is belief. A faith in the inner monster that exists in all of us, the one which is hungry for more, the one whose thirst for perfection is insatiable. Awaken that strive within. Without living up to our potentials, we're wasting our time anyway.
Let's be the best we can be.
Because anything less than extraordinary should just not be acceptable.

Regards,
A striving perfectionist.

A surge of memories.

That's the funny thing about visits and travel and vacations - odd moments take you back to long forgotten memories. Or memories you've tried hard to forget. It has a term in psychology. Episodic buffer. Recent events remind you of old ones since they tend to trigger episodes.

It's so funny as to how neatly my life is now wrapped. Into compartments. I only open one at a time and I'm quite content but sometimes, some rare occasions do cause me an emotional explosion even now. When the past meets present and haunts the future and I don't know how to link the dots or gather the pieces to this unsolvable puzzle.

I'm happy with a few of my life choices though they still have a long way to go in proving me right. But somethings just feel right. And even as I type this I know the naïve me is back. I just can't shake the fear of being let down. Thank you, you. For ruining love for me forever.

But a coward I never was and never will be. And this time around when the time comes, the leap of faith I will be ready to take. Jump all the way. Cross this divide of uncertainty.

For nothing but me this time.
Let's see if I've learnt afterall.

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me.

I've played a song on loop, lit a cigarette and closed my eyes. The ghosts that surround me help me keep this smoke burning in the dark. I like this silence. Words have become too much lately. I don't want to be lost in translation anymore. I just want to lie here in the dark, with you, no questions asked, no back and forth of a tennis rally, no nothing. Just a night of pure, undiluted silence. You can probably hear my brain resonate with yours then. You can feel my heartbeat then without me having to place your hand on my aching chest. We can just lie here, two imperfect souls, bound by the dark. If I open my eyes, I'll probably see some light. If I open them, I'm sure to see you smile and feel blessed for have it shine on me. You urge me to open my eyes. But if I open them, I'm scared you'll forget about me.


"We'll not stay friends?"
"We never really were friends you know."

I guess I lost you the day I said those words aloud. I've replayed it all in my head so much it's unreal. I should've listened to my head even then. We would've stayed friends for really long that way, maybe even forever. Not been two ends of a cord that can be broken by mundane things such as distance and space. Would I write this story any different now? Maybe. Do you see a tinge of regret in my eyes? Ah no, it's not that. Just the fear of loss is too immense for a tiny person like me. Today I realize there will come a day when I won't know you anymore. We won't grow old together. I wouldn't be around to mock your twenty-year-old wife, and you wouldn't be around to help me be a runaway bride.


"Won't you read my mind?"
"You're over-thinking again."

See this is why I asked you to join me and lie here with me in the dark. My head is not good for me these days. It tells me things I would so much rather not hear. It makes me want to set fire to this room, and burn down with it. Because I told you, a world in which I don't know you is not one I want to exist in. But you said then, we're not done yet. You made me dream up this whole room, in your house and I lived on in it. So tell me, are we done now?


"I can't help falling." 
"Please tell me you know, I've got to let you go."

Dear Followers.

Hello guys,

So I am a sucky sort of a blogger who never really appreciates you or thanks you for your time and kind words. I am also a very demanding person. Hence I am informing you of my new baby blog that me and my friend started together, Lens-i-fied and *demanding* that you give it a look :P
The whole concept is that she clicks a picture and sends me, then I write about whatever that picture brings to my mind. If she feels it did her picture justice, she hits publish post. The she here is a very important person to me - Payal Bhansali - the reason and inspiration behind a lot of posts.

So, you can check out our blog at, http://thiswillbeoursong.blogspot.com/
It'd be nice if you could follow us there.

Hope to see you.
Your ever demanding pessimist,
Shiromi*

The Butterfly Effect.

"It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway  around the world."
-Chaos Theory

We all talk about having our lives different, about getting one more shot to play it all out so that this time we get it right. Most of us however wouldn't get it right the second time either, or the third, as this movie today told me. There are so many alternatives and possibilities that somewhere along the road, we'd screw up all over again and wish for another chance.

However if I had the butterfly which would help me re-write my destiny, I know the exact memory I would change. That precise day which would change my life forever. I wouldn't need another shot after that, just that one.

I have that memory written somewhere in elaborate detail too but reading it doesn't transport me back to that time. That one day in my playschool. I've read it countless times in the past hour but that doesn't let me change how my life played out. But if, if only we could get that opportunity, to be everything we ever wanted, you think we'd be able to grab it? Or would we let it slip.. Pass us by?

But this is life and not a scientific fiction, and as much as I'd want it to be the latter where I get another shot, this is all I've got - this is all we've got. So you live with the choices you make forever and these choices determine how it all shapes up. You can only alter the future, not the past, never the past but if you could, what is that one memory you would change? That one moment which would help you have it all back?

Do you ever wonder about it? Do you know yours? Because, I know mine. I guess I should be grateful for that level of clarity. But that doesn't really make this any easier. That makes the desperation a notch higher, to set it right - to atleast try to set it right and wake up in that alternate reality that I imagine.

And I'll chase it, that parallel world of my existence, that butterfly, that effect, that power. No matter how perilous the search or alien the power, I will hunt it down. But since I run short of breath fast and can't see too well in the dark.. Anyone up for an insane run beside me? Anyone up for a light? 

Believe, my sunshine.

Just when everyone's urging you to give up, stay put.

Just when you think you've lost it all, keep faith.

And just when you're one step away from letting go, hold on.

They don't know anything - those who try to guide you. For if they really had all the answers, why would they be here too, unhappy with their lives? They don't know anything - those who try to own you - for feelings can't be bought. They'd know that if they knew you - how you can't be coerced. They don't know anything - those who try to tell you what to do - for life's choices are one's own to make. If you were to listen to all they say, you'd never be anything but a semi-replica of the millions walking this planet already. And they fear you, for you seem capable of carving a niche for yourself. 

They never lived your life, never dreamt your dreams, never felt your deepest desires. So take the leap they're so afraid of. For this leap of faith, could make all the difference. Fight them - all of them - every single one. It'll be worth it in the end, I promise you. If it's not, it's not the end.

Twenty eighth, part II.

Conversations with you, about YOU.


"He's a jackass"
He's not. The first time we ever met, he sat with me all night because I was stuck in a world of strangers. He ignored everybody to be with me and listened patiently to all my whining and opinions; actually liked me for them.


"That's because he saw a chance. He's a jackass."
He's not. He texted me without me having given him my number, even before I had a chance to leave his city; and never stopped. From dawn to dusk, and even after, we spoke throughout and he never got tired.


"That's because you were his new distraction. He's a jackass."
He's not. He always checked on me and the slightest hint of disarray in my life ensured that he was around to cheer me up. He said 'Are you fucking crazy? I love you.' when I said nobody did.


"That's because you were being needy. He's a jackass."
He's not. When I went back, it was like he'd been waiting to see me again, touch me, be with me, talk to me. He didn't care what people were thinking or saying, he came to me anyway.


"That's because he wanted to make the most of the time he had. He's a jackass."
He's not. He held my hand and sat with me at the beach. He shared his impossible-to-share headphones with me so I wasn't left to endure pathetic music. He sang me verses, just to see me smile.


"That's because he wanted to see you with none other. He's just a jackass."
He's not. He gave hell to people who said the slightest trash to or about me and held my hand, agreeing to walk out on a house full of people just to let me have it my way.


"That's because it was his way too. He's just a jackass."
He's not. He never had to do all the things he did. Never had to leave his world and be with me or be just mine. He did that anyway for he believed in us. He called me his soulmate!


"That doesn't account for the fact that he repeatedly made out with other people does it? He's just a jackass."
He's not. He was drunk that one time. Out of control. You forget he stood up for me too. So for one last time, he's not. STOP calling him that. I'm his superwoman, he's superman. And he'd never do anything to hurt me.


"Really? Do you hear yourself right now? What has he been doing for the past one month?"
This is immaterial. It's just a phase. It'll pass, I know it will. He still loves me. He said he'd never love like this again. I believe him. I remember and believe every word he ever said.


"He lied! How difficult it is to understand and just move the fuck on?"
From him? It's impossible. Why would I even want to do that. I'm his. Even on days he isn't mine. He's seeing something I'm not but I feel what he can't right now. He will, when we meet again.


"You are not meeting him again. After what he's done to you? After what you've been through? Seriously?"
It wasn't his fault. I was weak. He hates me for it too, he'll probably always hate me for it. But I'm strong now. My love is my strength, it won't become my weakness. I will meet him again, I will. I miss him.


"Does he miss you? Does he even care? Do you still think any of this makes a difference anymore?"
I don't know.. I guess, a little. He's preoccupied. There are a million things happening and it's warranted. I can't make him miss me, you know.


"Oh yes you can. Take a stand and just stop talking. Make him feel what it's like to live a life without you."
Are you insane? Do you want me to lose him forever? I can't imagine a world in which I don't talk to him anymore. I don't even want to. I cannot make him hate me any more than he already does. I cannot lose anymore of him than I already have.


"You've lost him. You lost him long back. He's taking your presence for granted."
No, no, no.


"Listen to me. You've never behaved like this before. Because you're better than this high-school emo version of lovestruck girls. He doesn't want you anymore. Accept it. His loss but his choice. He'll find others soon and trust you me, he will not even spare a second thought to you. He will not miss you. He will not regret this. And he will certainly not love you back. You have lost him."
No, I haven't. He's still around, he's still there. He always will be. He promised me that. He will not break his promises. He won't let me go, no. He said when I wanted to run away, he'd meet me halfway. He said we're not yet finished. He said.. He said my room in his house. He said, I'm the one thing that means most to him.


"I want to slap you now. He doesn't give a fuck anymore whether you live or die. What you're doing to yourself, what you've become - not a consideration in his head. He had a good time out of it. That's all that it was."
No, it wasn't about having a good time. You know when we met after all those months, he didn't even kiss me? He was so overwhelmed that all he did was look at me with disbelief, unable to pinch himself and unsure if I was actually really there. If he just wanted that, he has a lot of people  to do that with. It was more. So much more. And I am so sick of trying to defend him to the world. Those eyes didn't lie. He protected me, even from my worst nightmares. Don't you dare tell me I was just another girl to him.


"Oh so I shouldn't say it but he can? Isn't that what he said? You're just like other girls?"
He.. He didn't mean it. I've not been myself lately. You know why that is, he doesn't need to. If he knew, he would've stayed and walked with me through this. But it's okay, it's all gone now and he never even has to know.


"Hah. You like to believe it'd make a difference right? It wouldn't. He would go on with his life, same as before. He may not know all of it but he knows bits and nothing changed. He'd probably just ask you about your health once or twice to not feel guilty after. That's it. This make belief world of yours where he'd be there to hold your hand through it, doesn't exist."
What is with you? Why are you tarnishing him in my eyes? It will not work. If the voices in my head don't work, then you never will. I will not belittle him or his thoughts or his actions or his love. You didn't see him this winter. You don't know him, noone does.


"But you do right? You claim to be his reflection? Or wait, was it shadow? So tell me, the other half of his soul, when is he realizing that you're still his in your head and when are you going to stop punishing yourself?"
That I don't know. All I know is I love him. And I'll wait. It isn't over, not yet. He'd told me this himself, long back. This is just one of the random things he does. But he can't push me away. He can't erase the love. I'll wait. I will wait.


"You stupid, pathetic fool in denial. The world doesn't have him wrong, you do. We know exactly what he is but you've got yourself drugged or something for your mental faculties have been seriously impaired I believe now. He is not coming back. If he had to, he would have, long back. He didn't even listen to the last words you said. He doesn't know for he didn't hear. He never will. Just like he never will come back."
He will, you'll see - all of you. All those people who never let me be with him and who're always talking against him and who only see the worst in him - he'll prove you all wrong once again. He will prove me right. He won't end it like this. He'll erase this month like it never even happened and he'll erase all your voices too. He'll come to me again, sing to me again and hold me again. Even if for one last time, he will give me that one time. And after that, we'll stay friends for I'll have closure. He will keep my room in his house. And I will buy him that one house in chennai (or atleast we'll fight over who buys it). And we'll be soulmates forever. That's the end to our story, not this.


"You talk about him like he'd give you some special princess treatment."
He will. I am still that.


"If he was listening to this right now, he'd agree with me and laugh at you. You know that right?"
He'll never laugh at me.


"So you're waiting, till eternity for him now?"
Stop mocking me. I'm waiting. There isn't a deadline in my head, yet. Love has no expiry date.


"His did. And it's come. Anything that follows after, will be toxic and only to harm you further."
I've made up my mind. Nothing you can say will change it. I'm living on the hope, faith and belief that he gave me. I'm not going to give up on them. Or him.


"But you really should you know. It kills me to see you like this. It infuriates me to see him kill you like this."
He always had the power to kill me. But he'll not use it. He wouldn't.


"Hasn't he already? It's all downhill from here, I'm telling you. You're holding on to the wrong person. Even if he knows exactly what happened, and exactly what you're going through and even if he wanted to change it, he will not. He lives for himself. He'll put his happiness before all others. He wouldn't change his mind - there's too much ego, pride and rigidity there. He is not capable of letting himself be affected by emotions, least of all yours. He doesn't really even know love. Or compassion. So please, for the last time, drown him with a drink and let him go.  Forget all these plans to meet him. Be friends, later. Not yet. It's too soon. You love him too much. You've never been so stupid about anything so I know. But please, let him be. He's not worth it. He's not worth this love."
But it's his. Whether he wants it or not, whether he keeps it or not. All the love, this heart was ever capable of - all his. Oh and, he is totally worth it. He is worth every inch of it. It is all his.


"Does he know any of this? Can I tell him please?"
No.. He'll know on his own. And I'll wait till he does. I've said enough, done enough and choked him enough with my wants and needs and desires. But this is about him. His happiness. Let's keep this to us, shall we? Our secret?  


"If he could just see how much you love him.. Despite everything.."
I love him for everything that he is. Everyfuckingthing. And nothing could kill my love for him. Not even he, himself. He'll know that someday, you'll see.


"Oh he wouldn't. I wish he saw it today but he wouldn't."
Why do you say that?


"Because I know him too. He is a jackass."
He is the love of my life while he's at it.


*

Know this. I'm saving my strength to fight. I'm living on to fight. I'll fight them for you, those who say they love me more than you ever could. I'll fight this whole world, full of those who tell me trash about you and expect me to join in or give up on you. I'll even fight you for you. I'll go down trying. We'll laugh over this someday baby. Laugh at how nobody knew you and how I always did.
Happy twenty-eighth, my jackass. Only I get to call you that.
PS: I loved you then, I love you now, I'd love you still, I always will. From your skin to your bones.


*


The part I to this post, here.

Last wish.

And if death has to come, I hope it doesn't come too soon,
For I have a lot left to say and a lot more, still to do.
When it does, I hope it gives me time enough to walk till your door,
Knock once and then lie beside you on the cold floor.

If death has to come, I intend to have lived by then,
Danced, read, laughed, and giggled with friends.
Loved a few, lost too many,
But always believed in destiny.

And I won't be afraid when death does come,
Because it will finally bring me the chance to become;
The free bird of the blue sky I always wanted to be,
Yes, that's when I'll learn to fly and set myself free.

For when it comes, death, I won't resist or fight,
Just lie in your lap and wait for you to recreate and ignite,
That spark, that love, that feel of your kiss,
And looking in those eyes, I'll forever kiss those lips.

So I'll accept death, as long as your touch I feel,
Upon my skin and existence, one last time as I kneel.
Because if death is how it all ends, I shall be calm,
For what better way to meet my end, than in your arms?

The gunshot.

She had her twenty-fifth birthday present from him. In her hands.
"It's beautiful."
She whispered to herself for he wasn't around. He'd been in a hurry, he had some work which needed finishing. But he'd come, and kept his promise, kissed her on the forehead and said, "Happy Birthday Baby" before rushing off.
She traced her fingers along it's length. The cool, hard metal surface. She'd imagine it for over a decade now - but that imagination didn't come close to the actual feel of holding it in her hand.
*
"Hello. You've reached the voicemail. After the beep, you know what to do."
"Hey.. I came back but you weren't home. I thought we were doing dinner together? Eitherway, have a great day."
*
She had him tied up. The smirk had left his face. For once in her life, the fear resided in his eyes not hers. He did the begging and pleading. She didn't bother to respond, just laughed in her head. How must it feel, she wondered, for him to know that his life lay in her hands? One shot and he'd be gone. Wiped off the face of this earth.
They were in a cave full of mice and as he mumbled something she did not bother to hear, she glanced around at the bottle of scotch she'd brought with her. That had been a present too. But today she didn't need it. Today she didn't need anything else. Just that gun in her hand and the resolve in her head.
*
"Any last words?"
She didn't know why she even asked. For his words were an incoherent jumble she couldn't decipher. She could hear the unplayed music in her head as she fired the shot, right through the head. Her last thoughts to herself were, "Happy Birthday to me."
*
They discovered the bodies days later. He was in a bad shape, though he was still breathing. His misery was more due to the mice who had been chewing him alive than anything else. As for her, she lay in her own pool of blood, a smile upon her face, radiant in her death. The mice hadn't so much as edged near her body, all clad in white, with smears of red splashed on it now for nothing could scar her now. She was safe.
*
And as they buried her by the sea-side for she loved water and has always wanted that, he kept all his promises once more. He wore black, he brought a date and he sang.
The epitaph did finally read:
I just need you to be able to tell people I was here. I laughed, I smiled, I sang, I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could. And that the person that I loved, was you.
(8th July 19xx - 21st July 20xy)
*

Open letter to MY tiwari boy :P

'So you lost your trust and you never should have..
But don't break your back if you ever see this, but don't answer that..
In a bullet-proof vest, with the windows all closed,
I'll be doing my best, I'll see you soon. In a telescope lens, when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon.'

As I opened my blog to write, this is the song that played baby. And as always, the same complaint, it doesn't last long enough. It's too short. That's the only problem we have with this song know? But that's pretty much what defines fourteenth for us. Something 'magical' as you said repeatedly, something crazy, something that definitely didn't last long enough.

Our story will always be one straight out of a novel or a movie. And if I was the one reading or watching, I'd be the most sceptical human, tch-ing my head and being all critical with my 'dude, does this ever happen in real life?'

But I'm not. I'm the character who played a part so I know it's precisely that. Something extraordinary and unbelievable. You don't just sit in a room full of strangers, losers and douches and then look right beside you to find your soulmate. You don't fall in love with someone over the first song you play them. They don't just melt down to their core as they tell you it's been their favourite song always.

But we did.
in that noisy, dark room, all I heard was your words and all you saw were my eyes. The crowd faded away as you asked me for that dance that I was supposed to teach you and then led me instead. People walked out as you held me and there was nothing I could do to resist it, and trust me I tried. It was involuntary really, when my feet found the tips of your toes and stood on them just to be a little closer. It was exhilarating when you pulled me closer still, and whispered the whole song to me in my ear.

The song, ended too soon. And I literally had to run away from you and place myself on a bean bag because my balancing had gone all awry and I needed to bring my head back from where you'd taken it. You didn't back down, played another song and came to sit right next to me on that shapeless mass of brown which somehow seemed perfect to seat two suddenly.

There were diversions, distractions and defences in our way, more due to me than you but somehow they lost all meaning. I learnt all about you in a night and I could see you for the real you and not the person everyone had made you out to be.

The night, ended too soon. I walked away from you not knowing that every step now would just bring me closer to our undeniable chemistry. A night, actually a song is all it took, and boy you know your music well ;)
Everytime I wanted to run, you said run and come to me. Everytime I stumbled, you held me and taught me how to walk straight and walk out again. And everytime you saw the slightest hint of a tear in my eye, you reminded me I don't cry, I don't break for anyone in the world. Besides an incomparable love, I would've lost me if I hadn't met you.

It's been six months today baby, six whole months since you stole me away. The first time I saw you, you did me this way, what can I say? You literally had me at hello Tiwari :P

And now it just seems to have ended too soon, all of it. Our few days (hours?) together which we spent fighting the inevitable and falling short always; the days we spent crossing bridges; the nights we spent talking for there was so much to be told, or in complete silence for though there was so much to be spoken, words failed us to define it just then.

I just want you to know that whenever it finally ends, it'll end too soon. No measure of time with you will be long enough. I will never have enough of you, or us, or this.

I love you my baby.
Thank you for the most magical start to an epic story. For just knowing I was the one. For being my scientist, the one with whom I collide and for making me your delilah.
And those three will always be OUR songs and not of the many cheesy couples who can only try to understand what they mean without really ever having a clue.

Thinking of you and missing you and cursing this distance more everyday,
Your superwoman.

Ps. Muaaaaaaaaah*

Hot chocolate on burnt ice.

You know what happens when it's pouring outside and the breeze is all cool and sending shivers down your spine and forming a zillion goosbumps on your skin since you were never good at handling the cold by yourself (you always needed that muffler or that jacket or those arms, at times just the look in this one pair of eyes could give you warmth). I do. You go get a drink with the first guy who agrees to forgetting for an evening as to what lies ahead. And you do know what happens on alcohol now, don't you. You get sloshed out of your mind just to get away from everything that you're always thinking about and never want to. The aftermath of that can vary. I ended up tripping and strutting my way into McDonalds way past midnight, giggling like a fool, clutching to my nothing of a bag for support and helping my drunk friend walk. The waitress gives us a smirk like she knows what it's like. We just giggle some more like a bunch of misplaced teenagers. The hot chocolate she serves us, burns us a little more than it should and wakes us up a lot lesser than it ought to. I pass out on his shoulder on the ride back home and somehow climb the steps to my room. Then do it over and over again, looking for something. I go down to look in the living room, I come up to look in the lobby, I even go outside to look in the balcony. I search my flatmate's room and disturb them. I go mad looking for it in my room. Round and round, in circles and spirals of a black haze. As I finally crash on my bed, a half-burnt cigarette hanging loosely from my fingers, I still haven't found that one thing I was looking for.

I woke up, randomly, abruptly, a clutter of thoughts in my head. I recall the last thought and feeling in my head was of desperation, trying to find something.

It was you.

It's always been you.

Coming back to life.

Even if I tried, I could not have asked for more.

I'm starting in order and thanking you all so that some day far, far away I remember exactly who made my eighth what it was.

Shail Jalan, for waking me up to a beautiful birthday eve and then making it into an even more beautiful day and an epic night. You're too many things to me, at too many different levels and I cannot sum us up ever. You're like a mother and a sister and a friend and so much all at once. It's insane. But you defined us once and for all last night. You're my Yang. And we are a closed circle baby. We are fucking tight. Always will be. I know I whine and crib about this place a bit. Okay, a lot. :P but I'll never really regret coming here, ever. It gave me you.. In a way nobody else will ever have you. And that's somehow compensation enough. Cheers baby!

Abhinav Rastogi, for taking me out to a balcony of condom shaped balloons and making me laugh like you always do. You're my friend. My best guyfriend. That will always stay true, no matter how much time goes by. You're my dancing partner, you're my chatterbox, you're my smoking buddy, you're my person I talk to once fuck shit drunk, you're just something else man. We're something else. The world, most of it, will never get it. But then again, when did we ever care about the world? Thank you, for last night. We just proved yet again that as long as we're together, no matter what fucked up place we're in, we'll set it on fire.

Dad, you were my first call. I wanted you to be. You're my hero, and I love you. That says it all really. Thank you for going out of your way always to put a smile on my face. 

Mom, you're the reason for my existence and the reason I go on. My strength, my life. Thank you for making me, ME. It's all you baby. 

Priyamvada Rathore, I love you more than words can say. Thanks for being my best friend, my sister, my Rats. For the little things you do which never go unnoticed; for all the songs; for all the memories; for being just what I always need you to be. I'll never let you down. Don't ever let me go.

Anirudh Tiwari, my boyfriend. From the poem, from being my first letter, to the amaaazing call, to every tiny thing you did yesterday love. For being my soulmate. For making me believe in love at the first note..

Baby,

I love you, I swear to you, it's true. 

Adhiraj Singh Rathore, for that insanely long skype conversation and just random things in general. You're right dude. There are no two people on this planet like us. Heh. Except maybe my boyfriend. But then, you're open to threesomes right? :P

To everyone who called me.. The family.. the friends.. 

Everyone who changed their statuses for me or put up pictures with me..

EVERYONE who mailed me..

Thank you for making my eighth, everything that is always was and always will be. For ensuring it continues to be my favourite date in the world. 

For all the names mentioned above, 

For you all, a thousand times over.   

Medicine.

Today seems like the first day of the rest of my life.
I've been heading in this direction for a while now and there's been much anticipation and anxiety associated with it that now that I'm here, it's really not sunk in yet. I'm unsure, unstable and it's unpredictable, what the future has in store for me. It remains to be seen if it'll be beautiful or a beautiful disaster. (Quote: Kelly Clarkson).

As I quote this I realize how my life's always been led by symphonies and melodies aloft. I was told not once but a million times how this is not the field I belong in.. This is not meant for me. But today as I stood under that shower, all my uncertainties were drowned and washed away and I wondered why I ever doubted myself in the first place. What better music that the beat of a heart? What better rhythm than that of the pulse?

I wanted to share it with you today baby. But you're not here to hug me before my first class or ask me after how it went. I woke up on my own, made myself a strong horrible tasting glass of coffee and did everything on my own. Because. You're not here. And it sucks. But then that can't be the reason I hold myself back or slack. Now more than ever I need to do justice to this distance and show you how it's not going to be an obstacle but just one of the many hurdles I overcome to be your shining star, all over again.

Today seems like the first day of the rest of my life. Today seems like my dream. And no matter how many miles separate us, I am sharing it with you my love.

So, it's official.

Fourteenth.

And every step I take towards you leads me to my destiny.
Because in you, I find the reflection of what I'd always wanted but never had.

Eighteenth.

I'll always see you like nobody does or can or has.
Because you see me like that too.

And just like that, we stopped running away from us and the fate and everything in between. When you really want something, the whole conspires you to achieve it (quote: Paulo Coelho) but when the whole conspires to bring two people together, maybe that just means they're true soulmates.

We're meant to be baby. Or so you say. It took a while to realize that and accept it. Bits and pieces of me are still scared and running away, but you're keeping me together, pulling me back. Now there's nothing left to do really but let myself crash into you, once and for all. You'll either break and scatter me into a thousand tiny pieces.. or we'll come together and create something we've never experienced before. Something history's not seen before. I guess it's worth a shot. We're worth a shot.

Because well this way even if we go up in flames, we'll atleast know we burnt trying. 

Let's rewind.

To a happier time, a happier place.
To the haven that we built for ourselves, the moments we snatched from this world, for us. Where we were the only ones who existed and the world around us was present but immaterial. Where you could make me laugh and just looking at me would make you smile. When we were the only ones in on our private jokes. When we didn't blink because the memory was too good to miss even a nanosecond of. When the phone calls were never ending, and the texts, each of them left us gooey inside. When the roads of our life were inter-wound, even in the minutest of things.

I had to find you, tell you I need you..

Every inch of my existence with you around seemed to make sense, and with it gone, a part of me has gone too. I put up this facade of strength and wisdom but who am I kidding?

Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part..

I wake up each morning and look around at these pale blue walls, these walls that are the cage that I'm trapped in. This head of mine that's the biggest jail I'm sentenced to life in. This prison of a life without you in it.


No one ever said it would be so hard..

If only you could give me something to hate you for. Something by which erasing you becomes an option, a necessity, a need. But you're constantly there in everything, you sick, sadistic, twisted little evil thing. And I'm the masochist who pretends to run away from you, from us, when all I actually do is rewind and replay everything, over and over again. Our memories are not on shuffle, they're on a constant loop.

Oh take me back to the start..

Playlist for my funeral.

Only a music fanatic and a death antagonist like me can come up with an idea so strange. Observe the contrast of the emotions here. My insane love for music, my blind hate for death. And yet in the end, they will be united. Life may not begin with the note of a song, but it surely must end with one. This is how I would like it to end for me, in this particular order.

1. The Scientist - Coldplay
2. Theme from Love Story
3. Never say never - The Fray
4. Wish you were here - Pink Floyd
5. The Scientist (instrumental cover) - Old School Freight Train

And if Anirudh Tiwari is still in my life, I'll keep my promise.. he can sing.. "Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend - James Blunt". In the beginning, the end, or wherever. And as an afterthought actually, Priyamvada should sing too. "How to save a life - The Fray."

This is it. The songs which will define my life.
And once you've played this playlist for me, you will all know that I do in fact, rest in peace.
Amen.