Wait.

She went running, for she loved to run. She started running at an early age and she would run fast and far, always. Her breath had started failing her now but her steps never did. She would stumble in her routine life but when she ran, there was not a more soothing sight. The feet fell into place always, the hands were unnecessary, the hair that she wasn't fond of would be tied back and only fresh air would touch her face. 


And so she ran, away and beyond or towards, she knew not. She ran as far as her feet would take her and then grudgingly walked back for even she grew tired and her body loved to not do her bidding. 


Splashes of water on her face, a long sip to quench her thirst and she made way for her bed. Fumbled a bit in the dark, her elegance lost now and climbed under covers to ignore what lay ahead; she couldn't be less bothered. All days fused into one as she found means to keep herself entertained in the land of the dead.


A hand reached out from behind her and she turned over, alarmed, more than anything else. But even in the dark, her skin knew his touch and his breath. Had she fallen asleep long enough to dream? She wanted to drown him with a million questions but he beat her to it; he drowned her with a kiss. He whispered so softly in her ear that she might not have heard him at all, but she did, "I've been waiting for you for so long.."


As his voice faded off, she lay there thinking and speaking to his ghost. 

"I'm waiting too baby, I'm waiting too."

5 am conversations.

5.30 a.m.
She answers the phone on the fifth ring, and mumbles a hello. She didn't open her eyes or glance at the number, just mentally cursed the person for dialing her digits at such a godforsaken hour.

"Hello?"
"Yeah.."
"Hi.."

And now she slaps herself mentally for having ever cursed this call for even a second.

"What's up?"
"Nothing.. Just wanted to hear your voice."

They fall into a pattern and talk until his balance is exhausted. But they're not done yet so she calls back. And they talk until he's too sleepy to form sentences anymore. He took away her sleep but she doesn't complain because she promised to always be there. She whispers somethings and hangs up, unwillingly. And when finally sleep does grace her again, he's her last conscious thought and her first subconscious dream. Because she's convinced that it's not a one-way street and he cares too.

*

5.21 a.m.
"Don't you ever sleep?"
"Heh.. not much anymore. Um.. how is he?"

She listens to his friend tell her insignificant details about him and tries to conjure up in her head as to how he really must be doing. When she's dying to ask other, more important and meaningful stuff, all she does is listen to these things which are totally immaterial. Because she still cares. That was always her problem. And even though he promised he always would, he's forgotten about her with an ease she thought wasn't possible.

*

5.43 a.m.
"Goodnight baby.."

Funny enough or maybe it's irony, he's slept already. She's the only one awake and she battles insomnia due to an "unfinished us" as she terms it. I'll kiss you goodmorning when you do wake up, she thinks to herself. Just dream of me and I'll be here when you open you eyes. Because when all of this is over, she knows now she'll still care. And he never did.
So she whispers an iloveyou in her head, gets back to her book, and hugs her bunny a little tighter, trying to tell herself she's not a fool for caring.
Even though she is. Even though she always has been.

Here.

You know I plan. It's an inherent habit and not one that bleeds out of my skin ever despite many a lesson by Murphy. I look forward to things enough to jinx them eventually. Over a period of time, this has eventually made me apprehensive. About anything good. But planning is in my bones. It's in the essence of everything I ever do.

It doesn't help when these plans turn to nothing but they give me something to look forward to. And I was looking forward to this wedding a lot, for a long time. Now it'll pass me by, with not so much as a second to remember it by. All those songs we were meant to dance together on, the alcohol I was supposed to sneak in, the tears I was to help you not cry and the hot boys we were to flirt with without being caught doing the same.

Maybe in another lifetime.

I was striding towards December with blinders on until now, but now that it's here, what do I do with it? It brings with it this feeling of an immeasurable loss. Everyone's calling it the Friday of the year. But I know once you finally reach it, Monday's never far behind and it sneaks up on you, sooner than you expect it to.

Have I lost my winter even before it had the chance grace me with it's chills? Have I lost you even before I got to be held in your arms and look in those eyes, one last time? Did I make all these plans, all my life to watch them burn to ashes before they could even come alive?

Every moment.

"Somebody told me, this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe."

When we moved to Vaishali, I thought it was a sad, sad decision. It was so far from school, Dad had never liked the safety of the area and none of my friends lived there. I knew it was going to be a long, constant feud with my parents in case of parties and permissions and a lot of other stuff. But I loved the tiny flat somehow, so I didn't complain. Not much anyway. It all happened too fast and by the time I realized, it was actually happening, it was done, we had moved.

I still remember the first time I saw you, you were sitting alone by the window in that Red Roadways Bus. I had a friend or two in that bus already and they acquainted us over a few songs. You didn't speak much, you were the silent kinds but I talked enough for the both of us. Soon, our common love for music, food, shouting at the top of our lungs, standing by the door of the bus, made us friends. Just like that.

Your old friends, my old friends, all faded as slowly yet gradually we started growing closer. Thankfully for us, the annoying ones left the bus and soon it was just us two. Sometimes I'd drag Devanshi out of her bookworm shell and make her sit with us. In time, she learned to enjoy us more than her books as well. Our bond was unexplained and yet, rock solid. We'd argue with everyone but each other somehow, with you I never even have the 'Reddies are better' debate much :P

From early morning breakfast that I'd hand to you, to the after school ice-cream you'd save for me, there were certain unsaid traditions that formed on their own. I came back from class one day whining about no sisters since it was sisters' day the next day. The first thing I saw on you the next day, was a silly little card made out of maggie-masala packets, and a smile which said "you're my sister." And then on, we were sisters. Just like that.

Our traditions ran deep too. You always took the window seat, I took the aisle. When we were standing near the door I took this one corner and you took the other. When we threw chalks at people, I broke the pieces as you aimed and hit, almost never missing. I chose the lame ass songs and you sung them with me. Whether it was a bad morning at home or a terrible day at school, when we were together, it all melted down to nothing. I'd see your tears at times in the morning and rare as they were, you'd usually never tell me why they were rolling down those cheeks. My hand would find yours and in a while, you'd stop to sob. I was different that way. When I cried, I would rant and rant as to why, crying in your chest like a baby and you'd shush me and bitch about whoever it was that made me cry. Somewhere along the line, your shoulder became my favourite in the world, one where all my troubles would end.

When I am asked as to how we became friends by people, I tell them, we shared the same bus and they give me a zapped expression. Whenever I make new friends or meet new people, the first thing they find out about me is my best friend, Doll. I talk about you incessantly now that you're not around. About us, and all the crazy shit we did together (and boy! there's a lot!). My childhood is made of you, so is my adolescence. You stood up for me at a time when it was taboo to even look in my direction. To your seniors, our seniors, whoever the fuck. You made me a part of your group when I was walking around alone with nobody for company. You took my word on everything and supported my most irrational whims and adamant decisions. Everytime Garv was mean, (and that is a countless number), your house is where my steps led me, your digits the number I always dialled. It amazed everyone as to how even after a day spent with you, we still found it in us to talk for hours.

Your house became my home, your family, mine. You've given me so much that I don't think I can ever thank you enough. As for me? I've given you all your crazy memories, all your firsts. I would name them but the list's too long and they are etched in our mind too well anyway. You're still someone I don't mind getting yelled at for, and still my little sister whom nobody else can tell what to do, except me. I believe in your right to life, right to fuck up and fall and then the strength in you to stand up and hold your head high again. Through all of this, I will be there. Yeah doll, I will always be there.

Maybe just in words, for physical presence is an impossible as of now. I am reminded so horribly of last year when we were together, this time. But I promise you, there will come a time, when no matter where I am in the world, I will come to you, every second of december. Because even at your worst, you've been better than every douche, bitch and so-called best friend I've ever known. When we fought and spat venom at each other  you still walked with me and your house was still my comfort zone.

Why do all good things come to an end? I don't know baby.. You've asked me this repeatedly over the years but I can tell you this, there is no end to us. As I quote Kite Runner to you over and over again, I know not which I am, Amir or Hassan for my love for you is pure like the latter's but I am a selfish bitch like the former. I've hurt you when I promised I never would when you only made me love the decision my parents took so long back. You made Vaishali my home. The streets, the coffee shops, the ice-cream parlous, the theaters, every nook and corner of that locality, screams with so many memories and almost all of them, have us.

If I could, I'd write down every moment with you, because they're all so beautiful and cherished. If I could, I'd explain to you just how much I miss you and how my thoughts stay with you. If I could, I'd tell you I take you as my blood, I feel your pain and I would kill for you.

You're my little sister, my person. I love you.
You're there when nobody else is and I'm sorry for I expect a tad too much from you but then it's not my fault really, you've made me too used to the perfection of us.

So Priyamvada, that place where everything's better and everything's safe? It's with you. Anywhere in the world.

Happy Birthday Rats.
I promise you, an eternity of me. And you know I keep my words.

With more love than you can imagine,
Meow.

If I lose you.

The old gods or the new, I believe in none as such for they've given me no reason to. That's my defence, my shield. There's too much wrong in this world for there to be the existence of a higher power taking care or even looking over everyone and everything.

Yet, he gave me you.
If there is a god, sadistic as he maybe, he gave me many things. As I read through the pages of a brilliantly written book today, I try to feel what it must feel like to lose a loved one, to watch your father beheaded or your sisters raped or your lover slain with blood.

So till I have you, I thank not him, but the universe above for I can't bear to even imagine going through this degree of loss ever. But remember, I will be strong enough to avenge those who dare to do you wrong, strong enough to perform your rites myself and stronger still to follow you, to your very end.

When they write my epitaph, it may not read many things, but my love for you, it will always profess.

What does it take to come alive?

She walked to the cliff, stronger this time. It would set her free. She would set herself free tonight. She sat at the edge listening to all her favourite songs. Music was the answer, always. But what when music led you to the same person over and over again?

"Then maybe you're supposed to walk to them" said a little voice in her head. She drowned that voice with a hard shot of scotch. Her instincts weren't hers. They'd not been hers for long now. Ever since she met him really..

And she swung another long sip just as her mind started to wander towards him. There wasn't possibly enough whiskey in the world to make her forget him. A few drinks down though, the music called to her soul and she found herself swaying at the edge. She took a step back, she was waiting for the perfect time.

The sunset was an unseeming purple. Or maybe it was just her imagination playing with her mind again. She'd been forging reality for so long now, she'd grown accustomed to hallucinations. And tonight she would get high, her first and last time, know once and for all what it felt like. She looked on and saw the sun going down, the sun had gone down on her such a long time ago.

Very soon now, she thought to herself.

The alcohol ran out on her, too soon, before nightfall had hit her properly but she'd been prepared for this. She traced her way back to the car, found another bottle and smashed this one to bits. The splintering sound of glass on hard rock was the last thing she heard before she hit "play" for what she knew would be the last song.

As luck would have it, she found Martin singing to her, telling her what a shame it was for them to part. Sigh, so be it. The sky had turned a blissful black now, and there was a star shining diagonally across her in the distance, just one, and she closed her eyes. The beat found her feet and she danced her way to the very tip again. She didn't open her eyes for the star seemed to be haunting her with his memory as if he'd followed her up to her mountaintop.

He saw her dancing in the distance, under the moonlit sky. If only she knew how beautiful she looked just slowly moving there. He would have gladly stood there all night, and for many more nights to come but he knew any second now she could make one wrong step and she'd cross over, once and for all. He'd not looked back since that fateful night but he knew by her words tonight that she was going away, forever and a universe in which there was no possibility of reaching out and meeting her was not one he was willing to accept he realized. So he moved forward. Counting the steps. The fourteenth step, and he could tap her shoulder. And so he did.

She turned around, dazed. She blinked her eyes. It was her vision playing tricks on her again. But she hadn't seen his face this clear for so long now that she stared unabashed. She stared to take it all in. That impeccable jaw line, that lazily maintained goatee, the non-existent cheeks she loved to pull at, those perfect lips, and those heavenly eyes. The eyes is where she stopped. There was something wrong. No twinkle. In her head, his eyes always had that crazy spark.. where was it? She raised her hand and traced it along his face before she accepted that he was here, inches away from her. And then she looked away, embarrassed at how blatantly she'd been staring.

He removed the earplugs from her ears and as she resisted they fell out and the music stopped. Her cigarette case fell off too. He picked it up and slid open the red box over which they'd become acquaintances first. Even he was mildly surprised.

"Really now? Your first without me?" he said inspecting if it had even been rolled properly.
"It's my last too." she whispered, still amazed at the ease at which he had strolled up into her realm once more.

He ignored her, rolled it a bit better and sat down on the rocks.
"What, are you planning to stand all night now?"
She slipped by his side, noticing the uneven surface she'd placed herself on for the first time that night. She was suddenly very aware of her surroundings, of herself. Her strewn hair which she hadn't brushed in days, the eyes which were a dense brown now minus the specs that she had broken in a fit of unexpected rage, the lose tshirt that hung so limp over her shoulders and the ragged shorts which she hadn't bothered to change out of for days.
He took a drag, and as if reading her mind said, "you still smell the same."

He passed it to her an she inhaled it a little too much at once and ended up coughing it all out. He stroked her back gently, and taught her how it was done and then they shared it in silence. She reached out for the bottle, but he held her hand, "I pour the drinks baby."

He poured them shots and she didn't know what to click them to. The end?
"What are we drinking to but?"
"For me walking to someone to pull them back for the first time ever?"
His reply was simple, the click quick and he drained his glass empty before she even had a sip.

"Why?"
"What why?"
"Why should we do this anymore? I'm tired. And you're weary. We've gone so long without talking..." she took a long sip before she could complete her sentence "..but I still can't imagine a world without you in it. It's too hard baby."
"So you're taking the easy way out?"

She didn't miss the tone of his voice, the slight edge, the clear disdain. He'd never get it. And yet as she even formed the thought in her head, his hand found hers and her fingers held on tightly, for dear life. They sat like together for hours, drinking, making no conversation, none was needed, the eyes said it all; both too stubborn and afraid to blink for the fear that it might end.

Once the alcohol was over, and they only had each other, she finally found her voice again.
"Why, why tonight after all those texts and calls? Why did you come?"
"Because I knew it was now or never."
"How?"

He slipped out his phone and clicked a few buttons and she re-read her text to him early that morning.
I tried. I really did. But it doesn't make sense anymore. None of it without you. I'd rather jump off than fall apart bit by bit. And even though it's been years, there was only just one you so I can't watch your face fade from my memory any more than it already has. Know that I love you, always have, always will. Forever.

It meant nothing to her, they were just words and she had written so many to him over the time and distance. What stood out to her was the fact that her name was still saved as superwoman. She looked at him, the questions stuck in her throat. Had he really flown to her? She couldn't stop the tears anymore. She hadn't cried in so long, he'd made her promise that she never would so she had soaked them all in and not let them fall and still they came rushing now, as if making up for all the times she bled but did not cry.

She was crying now. He didn't know what to do. He held her and tried to cradle her but she just sobbed and sobbed relentlessly. He hugged her and pulled her close trying to wipe off those tears which always left him speechless but she was such a stubborn baby. My baby. He recalled all the times he'd said it and it seemed just like yesterday and he didn't know why they'd ever gone a day without him saying it. 

"Baby.. stop? Please?"
And that was when she looked up and saw the hurt in his eyes. She took a broken breath in and tried to not exhale for she knew not how to hold it back anymore. Neither did he. So their lips found each other and he was ever so gentle as if scared to hurt her. She broke away first and wiped her tears dry.

"You want me to live?"
"When we end it, we do it together. That's all. Living or dying is your call to make."
"I feel I've been dead all this while anyway.. What would it take to come alive?"
"You."

And just like that, there was music in the world again. She was kissing him, and not gently at all for she had a blinding rage in her. He'd not seen her in so long and this is how he remembered her always. Fierce and unrelenting. And she was just that when his touch met hers. He realized now what she'd meant when she'd said 'they fit together' and he'd jeered it off. He hadn't fit like this with anyone, ever since. Her shuffle was his and as it panned out, he felt himself smile after what seemed like years.


As she heard the track change, her eyes met his and she saw what she'd missed earlier, that twinkle, that spark. "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?", she'd whispered it out to him as she'd pulled him to lie beside her. "I did already didn't I baby?"

She looked up at the sky to show him the star she'd seen his face in but there were two now. He'd brought her to life.

Epilogue:
"Baby?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you come?"
"You won't let this go, will you?"
"No."
"I had to tell you this in person."
"What?"
"I love YOU too.. soo fucking much."


With that another twenty eighth came to an end, they crossed another bridge and they lay back to see another dawn through each other's eyes. She lived to feel the sun warm her again. Her sun.

The two 23rds.

I looked at the calendar long and hard to find some math to it, but as always all I found was love.

About this precise time and date, seven months back, you told me you loved me when I felt nobody did; or could. I never asked you why. I probably should have, in retrospect.

Today I give it back. Because today I know your definition of love that I trusted so blindly is more screwed up than mine.

I came to you just to learn a lesson I learnt long back, once more. I wasn't made of stone though I should have been. I hadn't died inside despite all reason to. I know now why I didn't. You had to be the one to kill me. But,
Nothing has killed me yet. Not even you. Doesn't mean I've lost faith in your ability to. I'm sure you'll succeed eventually. (Quote: someone?)

But not tonight. The count stands at three because four is our number. And you can't take it away from me. Not yet.

I stood in the rain, and that was the only thing that wet me. And I read all you wrote, that's all what burnt me. So, I listened to your voice, which is what healed me.

And in my head, you said what you'd said all those days back, but this time I said it back. And we meant it. Like never before.

Bad day.

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, and so she ran away in her sleep."

I dreamed of a paradise too but it was snatched even before I could form the image in my head properly. That's why dreams suck. Because they shatter and they break and then the glass splinters prick you deep within your soul. Nobody should have the ability to hurt you because once they have that ability, they inevitably always use it to hit you at your lowest.

I want to sleep and just not wake up anymore. I'm done here. You're all living for yourself and I am not a consideration through any of it. I shouldn't be starving myself to make anyone happy. I shouldn't be calling a million times to hear your voice. Fuck. You.

So live. In your own parallel universes now.
I don't even want anything anymore because whatever I ever asked for was just a joke to you anyway.
Because none of you give a fuck about what I want.
So thank you. And I'm sorry for believing the best in you which doesn't even exist. And no, there is no self blame anymore. I am a nice person and I have been fucking good to you. BOTH OF YOU. And this is really not what I deserve, NO.
Screw it.
Screw all of it now.

I'll run away soon some day and none of you will see me or hear from me ever again. If drowning in a deep, dark sea is what it takes, I'll do that precisely. Use my love for you against me and I'll kill myself altogether. No me, equals no love for you and hence nothing you can take advantage of anymore. I'm seriously done, trying. Love is a piece of shit. The only thing it ever did is hurt me and pour a carton of acid over my breaking heart. This time it's not my fault and I refuse to take any blame for it either. You all screwed up. You screwed me up.

Congratulations. And thanks. A lot.
For the silence, and everything else.

"I'm not listening to you, I'm wandering right through,
Through this distance.
With no purpose and no drive,
In the end we're all alive,
Two thousand years I've been awake, 
Waiting for the day of shame,
Dear all of you who've wronged me, I am, I am a zombie,
Again again you want me to fall on my head.
I am, I am, I am a zombie,
Again, again, again you push me."