Kaise Hua?

It's so rare - and fleeting - this feeling - no, not happiness; contentment.

You know when you have the most basic day and it's still perfect?
I don't take up a lot of space on my writing forums to be grateful and yet, one of the things I've come to be most grateful for lately, is time spent with loved ones. I think the past two weekends have been testimony to this. During a pandemic instated lockdown, it's only natural to feel the stress and pressure of being separated from ones I wouldn't voluntarily go without for long or short spells, really. However, tonight, I feel immensely... Complete. I think the past two weeks have really enriched me with minimalism, which is rare. I'm usually someone who desires and aspires for the big, the extraordinary, the grand.

However, I found comfort in talking for hours with friends I hadn't caught up. I found laughter in revisiting stories with family that had drifted away. I found rejuvenation in playing silly games with parents and extended family (and of course in unleashing the competitive side). I found ecstasy in having one of my best friends make the time and space and effort to spend uninterrupted time with me and in spoiling her rotten over the course of that weekend with my hostess-ness. I found bliss... In holding your hand again, touching your skin, almost like electricity; in being close to you, and yet not close enough; in finally taking you in, all of you, lips, body, mind, soul, everything.

I don't know how I've gotten here honestly. This feeling of being fulfilled and complete is so... new? Engaging? Refreshing? Satis-fucking-fying. I do look for small signs and gestures, take pleasure in the mundane and routine - from asking you about your meals to making some for people I love. I'm still far from the version of productivity and efficiency that I envision for myself but somehow I find myself, telling myself, tiny, little positive things lately - about myself. I'm being kind, almost? And I'm feeling something so much more than love for him...

As cliche and cheesy as it is, I guess I'm honestly just another girl, looking at her boy from across a virtual screen, wondering...
Kaise hua? Tu itna zaruri kaise hua?

2 broken hearts.

Something's shifting,
around you?
me too.

His touch isn't there,
neither is yours,
is it?

I don't get high
Like I used to,
anymore.

We keep spinning,
round and round,
quietly.

My dairy lies discarded,
in a corner,
she weeps like I do,
from within.

With or Without you

There's a sandstorm at my doorstep,

I know there's torrential rain to follow,

I sit by the window, 

waiting.

I found some sand in my shoes today,

Reminiscent of all the beaches I've been to,

I held it in my hands, tight,

nostalgic.

My dreams are still made of happy endings,

Even though my brain runs far away

From their very thought,

disbelieving. 

Maybe it's all symbolic,

The sand, the rain, the storms,

A message from the universe, waiting to be 

deciphered.

Cinder and smoke,

Maybe I'll choke

On all this thought of

destiny.

There's oceans.

There's this thing I do now, which I have never done before, ever. Because I wanted to save us from scars for as long as possible. It's something silly and insignificant really, but it's big for me and I like that it helps hold you in a place in my heart, the existence of which, even I was unaware of. But I'm losing my mind without your face, and your touch, and your voice on my skin. I'm spiralling and constantly running away from myself and any possible triggers. Because I don't want to test you in any way - I'm testing my self-restraint and willpower in ways I didn't think possible. Perhaps it doesn't look like much because I still keep whining to you, constant-fucking-ly. 

Imagine working for as long as you do, and then staying up late to talk to your person, and them always being miserable and demanding. I get it. Anyone would tire. Frankly a (large) part of me is waiting for you to tire - almost? But as I stay up, night after night, the oceans between us keep growing larger and keeping us further and further apart. I haven't felt your radiant smile, shine on me for so long that I think I've forgotten how to (genuinely) appreciate it across a screen, more so because I'm forgetting how to appreciate most things as time passes me by, and the reality of the virus dawns on me more and more. 

Nothing seems to have any meaning anymore darling. Because nothing ever leads to you. It's an unending torture. And with the whole world literally like a sinking ship, I don't know if I will ever get to you, before I go sinking too. I'm so close to breaking my personal vow, because my resilience and perseverance is cracking. The self-doubt looms over my head, darker than before; the negative thoughts keep building up; the questions with no answers; and the feeling that I'm alone - all the effing time. I'm all alone.

I know, I know what I'm doing to me, and you, and us, and I can't seem to be able to stop. I'm so mad at myself for not being half as logical or practical or just fucking real. I want to stab the idiotic romantic fool inside me till its dead and gone - it tires me so. I want to pull my guts out so my heart can stop sinking down to them, as soon as there's a slight mention of a longer delay in seeing you. 

I always knew I had my weak spots, but to have you become a weakness, so fast, and so much, is unnerving even for me. I want to just be able to face this evil monstrosity of a virus, bringing you some semblance of comfort and peace that I seem to be so adept at bring to the rest of the  world.

Yet, I fail repeatedly, currently in this battle and perpetually in the emotion called love. I've probably never grown enough to get it right. I just hope that I do, but hoping and praying is not enough. 

Clearly, neither is love; for all the love in my heart for you, there's still insurmountable oceans between you and me tonight.

Happy 13th, you.

150 days.

I wrote you a song in my head. And it played out with your eyes looking into mine. That slow, casual, strut you took towards me, it made up the background score for that. For when you came close(r) to me and slid down the pillow, and I turned into you, so close that I could count every crease of your forehead and shirt, only there were none of the former and I added lots to the latter. The lyrics were perfect for when you eased into me and leaned in, for when you pulled me so close that there was no space for air between us and met my lips, purely because you couldn't wait any longer. You'd waited seven years after all.

The first verse played over our first pegs of vodka and the bridge covered the dressing up. But it was a never ending chorus as we walked out for a night together, and never looked back. Every step since then has been a song, a melody that we built together, the lyrics of which I wrote on my way to you but they never panned out until your touch met mine, your breath muffled mine.

I love you, not like they do in books or movies or plays. Because they seem to know what they're talking about. I don't. I love you like the unknown, the one still left to unfold. I love you like I love the first red rose I preserved in the pages of my favourite novel years ago, in the hope that some day I could take it out and hand it to someone who'd know what it meant for me to keep it all this while. I love you like I love the baby book that my parents made for me and I'd read and reread just because it made me see myself as someone who could be loved when I saw myself from their eyes. I love you like the first cassette I ever bought, and the lyrics of every song which it had that I memorised because suddenly I'd found something that completed me and made this universe make sense. I love you like like I love the last page of all my notebooks because that is where I scribble what I never have the courage to write out and then trace those words some lazy afternoon afterwards, knowing precisely what I felt back then and unknowing why I could never say it out.

I love you for I don't know any other way, I love you for I don't know what I'd do without it, I love you for I can't stop myself. I love you because I do.