Kaise hum hue tanha?

What a ride, what a damn ride this year has been. if last year was loss and grief, this has definitely got to be rebuilding and destroying. I'm really truly good at the latter. What? A self-destructive therapist? I'm full of ironies like that. An adult trapped with a child's heart and a teenager's soul (and an elderly person's body)! I started reading poetry again, just today and realised just how much I miss writing. Writing to me, to you, to nobody, and everybody all at once. I think there are so many letters left in me and I'm so afraid to write them (no, to send them). Because what does it mean if I still want to write to my high-school bully or the boy who broke my heart or the one who let his mom diss me? What does it say if all my stories and poems involve people but none of them make for great cinema, theatre, music, or art? What if its just blood on paper? Chamakti jo roshni aisay majboori se thak gayi  

I digress. As I often do here. i started reading poetry. I was on a 566 day reading streak which Diwali came and broke. It broke my 69 day movement streak, my 50 day meditation streak and my beautifully astonishing and close to my heart anchor streak of reading. Getting up from that has been hard -- already slipping again in my movement (had a day 1,2,3.. only to be at day 0 again). I truly hate Diwali. I don't know why the hell I have allowed myself to get bullied into celebrating this bloody festival for countless years now. I had almost decided last year that i would never do it again. Only to do it again and realise much later just HOW much it fucks with my head (and heart, and body). I want this festival cancelled. Erased. Sheher mein giray hue sitaaray

I think I'm going to find a way to restart all over again. I do that pretty well too. Dig myself out of deep holes of despair. When you've lived the life I have, you get a lifetime of practice at it. I am just trying to find the right words, anchors, music to make it happen. I am craving everything bad and I just need to remind myself (somehow) that i am still worth all the good I do currently have and all that i aspire to build. Karte ummeedon ki baatein, toote hai dil ye bechaaray

Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Will I sustain? Definitely not. Will I be here again to bleed it out with ink because that's healthier? Depends. Will you be waiting on me silently shaking your head in disappointment or cheering for me from the background? I wonder. I honestly am unsure why I come here after all these years, mark of respect or just plain habit maybe, or just another place to make me feel/register some emotions/thoughts. But honestly, why do you? Kab tak sunenge dilaase?

Bolo ke kaise hum hue tanha?

Bolo ke kaise hum hue tanha?

Figures

 Coming back to you, baby

This was a year of health - or the lack thereof - and now it's got me at the end of my mental capacity, truly. It's getting dark in here.

If you're on the outside, looking in, I'm sure there's not a single thing you can find amiss in my life. As my mom rightly points out, many people would swap lives in a heartbeat. Here I am thinking of it finding a way to end, one way or another.

None of it seems to stick. It was a year of battling perfection and we're standing in August and I'm sinking. In the monsoon rains, In my thoughts of inadequacy. In my incoherent dreams (nightmares?)

I don't want help. I'm actively blocking it out at this point it seems. None of it works, not for me anyway. I don't know how to customise it for me. A way which is consistent, not heavy on the pocket, unique, but not restrictive, one that is tailored, one that is mine, but supportive, one that facilitates, one that is... non-existent. 

Days I cry, nights I hold them in. I'm the image of perfection for everyone except the one in the mirror. Happy, smiling, supportive. Lies. Queen of deception, overworking, illness, and excuses. My father would often say to me as a kid, you either have reasons or results. I guess I have neither. 

Coming back to you baby, one broken bone and dream at a time

Looking back at 2023

This is where we bleed --

It has definitely been a year of bleeding... loss, death, grief... losing my ability to even convey strength in words to all those that I watched struggle... helplessly... paralysed almost... willing but unknowing... this year has taught me the importance of silent presence... reaching out when it is hardest... and being there for your people when you absolutely have no idea how... 

Maintaining adult friendships took on a new meaning this year with more hits than this space has had in a while... but all necessary... as we grow up, it's neither good nor bad that some people don't grow with us... it's normal to have disagreements, to not have the same commitment, to fall apart, to not be okay with certain toxic traits in your life, to want something different, and to limit the people you want to build it with/for...

Building a marriage/partnership was a big one this year and by far the easiest (though it wasn't all roses and good times) compared to all the rest. Navigating family has always been tricky for me but figuring out this new family of two came almost naturally to him. I have had to struggle and realise that you have to know how to self-soothe for your partner to be able to soothe you... you need to be responsible for your own happiness to appreciate the joy that your partner adds to your life... you need to be invested in growth and learning to truly carve a middle path which works for both of you...

Rediscovering... travel (hills, beaches, snow-clad mountains, river sides), reading (my god! rediscovering the thrill of turning pages), writing, dancing, (and myself)... has been the definite highlight of this year.  This meant a lot of building, dissolving, rebuilding habits -- sticking to things that I haven't stuck to in ages -- skincare, books, reduced screen time, journalling, gratitude -- I think I have done the most amount of gratitude, meditation, movement, writing (albeit unstructured) this year than the many years before this... dare I say I owe it in part to my "better" half... (feminist cringe)

Professional growth and setbacks have also been on my mind a lot this year.. (not big enough as a brand, not strong enough as a supervisor, not effective enough as a therapist)... I wanted to do SO much and while I did a LOT, it still has come up short in my mind... 2023 was more maintenance than growth and I struggle to call that a victory... There have been some big wins but the goodbyes have hit harder... the questions have lingered longer... and the sheer frustration that accompanies a doctoral degree has been overwhelming... 

I set many intentions for this year and frankly built a lot of them... so my percentage of success has gone up... in that regard and that regard alone, this year should count as a win... but it somehow just doesn't... I don't even want to write about 2024 in the same space, I want to bring different intentions for the next year... from a place of hope, courage, and resilience... as of now, I'm just glad to have built, re-built, maintained, consolidated, failed, burnt, broken, whatever I did this year... it was a tough one... I'm glad it's over...

Three words to sum up my 2023: loss, learning, love

i decline

 Remember when I could just come here and bleed?

When did this place stop being my safe sanctuary? When did I stop returning?

Was it when I tired of writing about him? 

Was it when she told me that it worried her when she read about my difficulties?

Was it when they didn't show any appreciation or validation?

I don't know when it was but these words, they stopped flowing here. I stopped feeling like I could put them out there for the whole world (and at the same time paradoxically, no one) to see. 

I still write -- perhaps this year i have written much more than ever before. I write because that's all I know. I don't know how else to let it all out. How to process without expressing. How to make sense of it all. I don't know if there is any meaning at all. But these words, the sound of my keys clicking and clanking away is the one way I create any. I find it within me this need to put it all out. Put it to paper. Record it. 

Perhaps this is the only way i will be remembered

The only way i will be known and distinguished from the unknown. The only way I'll get through this journey is with these words. Nothing in the heavens can explain why we are all just slowly burning away into nothingness. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. In the end it's all about the love we send out, isn't it? 

No. It's also about the pain and the suffering. The pain we shoulder together. The suffering that we persevere through. This life can't be lived with only the love. To love is to know pain. And as I type it, a sense of terror seems to take over, i don't think i have it in me to love anymore. i just can't do any more pain. 

none. 

New year, new me :)

 What a year 2022 was!

It's been a year of new beginnings (what with my marriage and settling into a house and trying my best to make it into a home in a new city), recreating work identities, and most of all celebration pro max (aka weddings - me and some of my closest/bestest friends). I don't think I've ever gone into a year and come out of it so incredibly changed (and evolved if I may) and a large part of that credit goes to my family, my partner, and my therapist.

I'll eventually get back to this blog (and writing in general) a lot more because I do have many life updates to share in detail and recommendations to make for those few shining stars that still show up here. However, let today's post be all about what I intend for 2023 to look like so I (and all of you) may hold me accountable for the same:

1. Exercise - 10 minutes daily. No questions, no excuses. The research on this is indisputable and I do wish to scale a mountain someday so might as well get started.

2. Eat right - No ordering in. Four junk passes, preferably all in person but minimum two in person meals outside. I have been a slave to food all my life and would really like to be the one in control of it and not the other way round.

3. Skill enhancement- Dance and financial literacy. By the end of the year reach an intermediary level at least. My friend has really inspired me to start dancing again and I am tired of how gendered the financial literacy levels are in the world (not just in India) so I want to do my bit to make a dent in that stat.

4. Read- One book per month so 12 books this year is a must. Hopefully 1 book for leisure and 1 for psychology each month (would total to 24) but we will see if we get there. I used to read a book every week as a child and to go from that to 3 books last year (with a lot of effort)) is abysmal. It's time to get off the screen and on the page.

5. Mindfulness- Five minutes every single day. I know the benefits, the merits and the science. Now I have just got to sit down and do the damn thing. I'm not going to let app preferences/subscriptions (Headspace has really been toying with me!) get in the way of that either. The aim is to get ten percent happier and I know mindfulness is the sustainable way to get there.

There are some other habits that I have been doing (albeit unsuccessfully) off and on and would like to enhance and continue. However I don't want them to be in my top five else I become too ambitious and end up doing nothing! So here are five additional things I'd like to strengthen if I can push myself more on some days:

1. Continue daily gratitude work - Let's hit 365/365 this year!

2. Journal and write - five words, five sentences, five pages doesn't matter. Just show up to the page every day.

3. Scheduled house time - things pile up very quickly and I like my house to be a certain way (mom must be smiling) so I'd rather put in the work daily to ensure it doesn't leave me frazzled

4. Reduce average screen time to 2 hours per week - I'm already honouring my 15 minutes Insta-limit. It's time to further challenge myself and step away from screens as much as possible.

5. Grow my brand - all new plans for TST to be executed this year. Consistent curiosity, learning and growth, will be the mottos of this year.

What are your new year resolutions or plans? Do you wish to join me in building some of this together and keeping each other more accountable? Do you want to reflect on why resolutions or plans are beneficial or necessary? Or do you just want to hit snooze on this ultra ambitious rant and get some more sleep in this freezing winter?

Whatever you choose, I'll be there with you :)

xx

A voiceless child.

 Today I saw a child silenced. 

So matter-of-factly by the scolding of her mother and the beating of her father. 

So abruptly - as if halted midway through a sentence, pleading to complete it.

Today I saw a child silenced.

She doesn't smile in her silence.

She doesn't even utter a sound, lest she be reprimanded. 

Today I saw a child silenced. 

I want to give her words. 

I want to bring back her smile.

Today I saw a child silenced and realised just how easy it is to shut children up

And just how very hard - to have them speak, have them explore, have them question. 

Your move.

Disclaimer: I'm giving up.

Dreams of a happy and normal life are for other people I guess. Others like me, wounded healers if I may, have a higher calling and purpose which can't be defined by or restricted to minor day to day things that may be pertinent for individual happiness but don't impact the larger picture (much at least). 

Some of us need to be okay with helping and working and others not understanding it. As long as they aren't actively sabotaging it, it counts as support - doesn't it? Who's keeping track of emotional needs or scars? As long as physical needs are being met and there is a semblance of normalcy, then let's keep the facade going. 

How dare I have needs that don't confine themselves to the patriarchy or casteism or gender persecution of Indian households? How dare I wish for timelines that would support me and help me grow? How dare I demand for anger to be reigned in and kept in check?

Weren't you educated? Provided for? Isn't that enough?

Aren't you well fed and encouraged to dream and pursue your passions (with only a little sarcasm for failure and quitting, come on you can't be sensitive about that now can you?)

Don't you think you should be grateful? For being given freedom and liberty? A girl after all - who can choose what to wear, eat, drink, whom to love - why aren't you more grateful and humble?

Why do you seek the impossible? Too much ambition I tell you...

Why are you so hung up on the ideas of an equal and loving companionship? Of a perfect proposal and wedding? (You're heard and loved and supported and cherished - come on this has got to be enough! The uncertainty is all in your head darling)

So I think it's time to imbibe the Indian values of sacrifice and martyrdom now. Bring the restless heart in check. Reign back the dreams. You can't have it all. No, you just can't. 

So life's message is clear: it's time to be realistic and give up - your dreams of idealism and perfection or your happiness because it's time to settle and compromise (which is just a fancy word for sacrifice).

Your move Shiromi. 

2021: Of a virus, my half-lost sanity, and MonsterModi

It's the 14th day today.

No, not of my quarantine, of me crying about what's happening to my country and its people. My family, my friends, my clients, their families. Death, despair and tragedy everywhere I turn. I can't switch it off. I feel, that's what I do - what I've always done. How do I now find the superpower to stop? I've spent all of the sanity I saved. Everyone is positive, or knows someone who is, everyone needs a bed, an ICU. oxygen, basically - just a shot at life. They just want to survive. 

I have never grappled with the very real possibility that my parents will eventually die. Now, I sit with this thought every single day. I wake up to it. I sleep to it. The nightmares are back. I snap at people, and then catch my tongue because who knows? This could be the last time we speak. I remind myself to hug and kiss my parents everyday because I don't know how long we will be safe. Or alive.

I've seen so much and yet I've seen nothing at all. I type this from the comforts of my house where I have the privilege to work from home, with nutritious home cooked meals, and two people to play Ludo with or build puzzles with. I type with oxygen in my lungs and surroundings - still terrified - what happens when we are next? Can we prevent the inevitable? Will I lose more people this year? Will I witness more than one funeral this summer?

One of my closest friends is set to get married this May. I promised him all my life that rain or shine, I would be there. Failing my promise seems the tiniest possible sacrifice I'll be making this year. I worry for my other friends who are doctors during this manmade horror. I worry, constantly. Gratitude doesn't work. Deep breathing doesn't work. Colouring fucking mandalas doesn't work. Nothing works, goddammit.

If I was a theist at all, I would drop down on my knees and spend my days praying. Maybe that would work? Dear God, if you're listening... I would really like to not lose my parents just yet. I know nobody does but they are all I have. I don't have a partner or a child or siblings. They are literally it. I can't - can't process the thought that this pandemic will take them from me. Call me selfish but I need you to be partial. Save them. Over me. If it comes to it, take me instead. 

But why should anyone have to lose their loved ones? Why are so many people dying? Why did we elect this monster Modi? Why, why, why did people not choose dumb over devil in 2014? Why was Hindutva and Ram Mandir so bloody important that we got these villains and criminals back in 2019? Are we as a nation paying for the grave sin of electing someone who orchestrated Godhara 2002? Did we really expect him to change and "develop" India? Were we so fucking naive? 

Modi, Shah, Yogi and BJP have done what they do best - elections, rallies, religion and jailing anyone doing anything right from protestors to students to activists to journalists to people helping others through social media. We didn't elect fools, we elected masterminds. We elected our very own version of Nazi India. 

I deplore people who still support these soulless monsters. I loathe people who work for the BJP IT Cell. I abhor the news channels that are refusing to call out the government's sheer in competence. And don't you dare give me the "What about when Congress did ---" and "Could Rahul Gandhi have handled this better?" rhetoric. I am fucking done. A five year old could have handled this situation better because s/he would have known when and whom to ask for help, and when and how to admit they're wrong. 

You know what perturbs me still? We won't remember these lost lives even till 2024. Our collective attention span is that short. We forgot demonetisation and what hell that unleashed on the economy. We will forget the countless that die without oxygen, outside hospitals, in their homes, on the roads. Hundreds that are being cremated without their families getting to bid them goodbye. Dalits and muslims building pyres and still facing discrimination. Laypersons trying to do CPR because that's how desperate we are. 

To say India deserved better is factually incorrect. 

India has gotten the leader that India deserved. The one who is better for the "economy" and "markets". The one who wants capitalisation all the way. The one who is BETTER than lord almighty Pakistan. The one that removed 370. The one that is building Ram Mandir during a pandemic. The one who doesn't meet the press once in 7 years. The one that loves Savarnas. The one who single-handedly destroyed supposedly impartial institutions like EC, RBI, CBI, Supreme Court, High Courts, and countless others. The one who uses his mother only for PR gimmicks. The one who makes policies, bills and infrastructure to benefit the rich biggies. The one that refuses to put a halt on Kumbh. The one who doesn't check his leaders when they blame women/jeans/momos for rapes, when they force-feed urine to Dalits, when they burn rape victims, when they murder anyone who comes in their way. The one who doesn't disclose the details of PM Cares Fund. The one who ensures every critic is deemed anti-national. The one who killed women and children. The one who continues to kill everyone around him directly or indirectly every single day. 

"Speak up, do something" they urged. "Silence and inaction at this time is no less than burning your country alive."

"Let them burn" he replied, as he carried on practising his pranayam and asans for the upcoming International Yoga Day.